Something has happened to taxis since I first started using them….whilst it now costs a massive £30 to book one from Shepperton to the Airport - a distance of about 10 miles - they have transformed from the old Morris Allegro rattletraps that i seem to remember from years ago, to the super luxury end of the Mercedes and Audi range.
I was emailed by the company taking me to the airport - I have used them for years just to always rub in the fact that whilst their phone number is and easy to remember 01932 2222222, my business line, 01932 222232 is one digit removed, and no they cant take it over! - an hour before their Mercedes Vaneo with blacked out windows and air conditioning glided smoothly to a stop infront of the house.
I was oiled seamlessly to Terminal 5 - I have never been there before, it is very modern and very huge - and as I was only carrying hand luggage checked in at one of the automated terminals that littler the vast concourse and cleverly read passports, and presented myself at the humiliation ritual security check.
I am afraid I can never remember whether I have packed anything illegal in terms of liquids but haven't been stopped for years. This time however I am afraid I saw my bag being shunted off into a siding and with much finger wagging was summoned by a rather officious lady to come and stand, naughty schoolboy style, in front of her.
They used to dive in, have a rummage around, smile sweetly and send you on your way - why does describing that process remind me of my teenage years!! - but not any more.
She put some sort of special rubber gloves on and then asked me whether I had 'anything sharp' in my bag. I felt like saying I was part of a knife throwing troupe but instead shook my head meekly.
She then asked me whether I would mind if she opened my bag. I said something to the effect that I couldn't give a toss !
Immediately she triumphantly produced a can of Lynx deodorant spray and tapped the 150Ml word in irritation.
'Sorry" I said!
She then proceeded to unpack my entire suitcase and wave her magic wand at everything to make sure I was duly humiliated. I am luckily A. a neat packer and B. a pedant who has his underpants ironed and so the presence of the entire contents of my suitcase on display for all to see was not as bad as it might have been - and luckily none of it turned out to be laced with Semtex.
She then took my bag away to put it through the X-Ray machine assumedly to see that she had done a good job taking every last thing out of it, before returning it to me, asking, rather unconvincingly whether i 'needed help' with repacking.
I felt the same surge of outrage, anger and resentment I feel when I am asked condescendingly whether I need help packing 3 items into a plastic bag at Waitrose … and refused!
This little charade is followed up by breakfast. I decided to go to a branch of Giraffe as the young tell me it is so good.
I am afraid this one is absolute rubbish but the staff are wonderful.
I have bought a new belt and as it is far too large I am keen to drill a hole in it. I ask for a sharp pointed knife, but of course 'Elf and safety has thought of that one well in advance, and so the waiter takes my belt off me and makes a perfect hole in it and comes back triumphant!
I wander down to the gate and it dawns on me that there are VERY few passengers around waiting to board. Either they are all on board already and I am late or this is going to be a rather good and empty flight!
Once on board we are informed there are 53 people in all on board a 300 seat Jumbo and that we can all have 10 seats each if we want. I am miffed as I have paid £50 for my seat by the emergency exit but as there is nothing i can do I let it go.
I spend most of the flight asleep or reading my Kindle and it is not long before we flop down into Mumbai where I am through customs in about 10 minutes flat. I have a driver from the hotel meet me and am soon inside the Midland Hotel restaurant - at 3 am - scoffing an excellent egg omelette avec ketchup and drinking a glass of Limka lemonade!
I write this rubbish for an hour or so and chat to people in the UK on my beloved Facebook about the Art Gallery we have recently contracted to run in Cowes, and am now about to head off to pick up Oscar and Tom at the airport, as they are arriving from Abu Dhabi at 4 am.
They arrive bang on cue, looking for all the world as they have been doing this stuff for 100 years and we all pile back into the taxi an return through the almost empty streets of Bombay back to our hotel. By this time it is 5 am and so I at least head off to bed!
